Will you....?

• Green....pink panties
• Hair...
• Dress...
• Jacket...
• Shoes...
  
• Other accessories...
• Smile...
• Gift collection box...
• Nails...
• Camera...

Darling, I've got everything ready and under control. You can prpose now.

 You better propose today cos I'm not in my period thereby minimizing the risks of me being in pain and really grumpy. I've got everything ready, everything in detail down to my camera woman, Esther. But wait...

...do not propose to me while still living in your friend's house unless they are willing to move. Even if they are willing to move, make sure the house has a big kitchen, big bathrooms furnished with a large mirror, three master bedrooms, two guest rooms, a library, two sitting rooms, a big compound to accommodate my range rover amongst other cars and a play house for my prospective babies.

 Hmmmm! I remember when Uju got engaged and I am sure you remember too cos you were there. But if your selective amnesia is back, lemme remind you: we were all dressed up in the prettiest of beach wears and headed to that private beach in Lekki. We danced, played volleyball, ate, drank and when Ketochi thought it was time, he signaled us all and we stylishly took a stroll on the beach. And there on the shore was a bottle with a scroll in it. Uju quickly rushed for it, pulled out the scroll and behold, it was a marriage proposal addressed to her. She screamed and broke down in tears. Ketochi held her from the back with his left hand and with the right, he pulled out the most beautiful ring ever. We awwed and awwed and took as many pictures as we could. It was a beautiful day but please do not try that crap with me. I love everything written (as long as I'm not expected to write an exam on it) but come on.....what if I kick the bottle back into the water or decide to break someone's head with it? Besides, I do a lot of reflecting at the beach and you taking me there to propose might just be the worst decision ever cos while I am reflecting, I might just realise that I do not like you that much talk more of marry you. DO NOT take me to the beach for any form of proposal!

I have also seen instances where the guy puts on a t-shirt saying MARRY ME or MAKE ME AN HONEST MAN AND BE MY WIFE or any other statement that summarily says this guy wants to marry sha! That's creative but remember that my eye sight, or what's left of it, is really poor. Darling, you might put on that t-shirt for a week and I won't even notice that you have have something written on it. I see you getting angry and eventually asking,

"Babe, is it that you cannot see what I wrote on this shirt or you don't just want to marry me?"

If you must write, keep it short and, simple and bold. Don't write stuff like YOU MAKE MY HEART BEAT AND MY LOVE FOR YOU KNOWS NO BOUNDS. MY MUM SAYS YOU ARE SPIRITUAL AND YOU ARE CATHOLIC TOO. PLEASE BE MY WIFE AND THE MOTHER OF MY KIDS THAT WE WILL NAME KAMSOROIBEMNURIA, MUNACHISOMGBEOBULA....That's long and I might end up seeing only MUM  SAYS KIDS while the rest would be hidden under your arms and in your arm pit. It is also important that you make sure that it's my name that is on the t-shirt cos I have seen a case where the girl's name is Amara while the t-shirt read Susan.  

I'm sure you know I love eating. Eating is my hubby. I can eat anything from cooked, uncooked, and undercooked. I can give you my money, that hard earned one, but can't give you my food. I do not play with it so do not put your ring in it. Leave the ring in its box or in your pocket and leave my food the hell alone! I do not even chew most times, you should know that about me if you are about to propose. Do you know what will happen to my butt hole if I mistakenly swallow the ring? Especially if its that type with all the stones just the way I love it? 

Now that the food part is clear, I am not a huge fan of public show of affection. Leave the cinemas out of the matter. Do you how ridiculous cimema propsal sounds to me? It's the perfect description of  thatawkwardmoment! It was one of the hot afternoons that PHCN refused to 'give us light'. The weather was so hot like hell fire so I dressed up and headed for the cinemas. I didn't care what movie was or was not showing.  All I wanted was good air conditioning. I used my last 'card' for cab, ticket and drink only for the worst case of Nollywood to show up on the screen. I got confused cos no matter how hot the afternoon was, I would never use the last money I had on me to pay for a Nigerian movie. I abruptly sat up in my seat wide eyed wondering if I was in the right place. The movie was dark like what they used a phone to film. AH! Then a child said, "Aunty Ade, please say YES". Another child said same and another joined in like they were in a choir. I opened my eyes wider hoping it would help me see the movie clearer, Then behind me someone screamed "YES". I jumped, ready to take off before whatever was affecting them got to me and in the process, I threw my pop corn all over the floor. The YES got repeated over and over again and only then did I boot enough to realise that a girl just got proposed to. I hissed so loud like an angry snake and I was not the only one. I am sure that the curses reigned on them and the management of the cinema would be enough to last them a life tine.


Unless you are a millionaire of not just one or two millions, please do not waste money on a dinner party just to propose to me. Once you propose, we would need that money to plan a wedding and honeymoon in Calabar or do you think I will wear the ring and wait for years for you to save up or to be paid upfront? Naaa! I have attended such parties and I enjoyed the food and clapped after she said YES but then I asked myself what my role in the matter was. I still hope to be invited for more of these things though especially when I am broke and in need of Chinese food. Hehe!

 
If you can sing, I will always say YES to you whenever you propose no matter how silly you are. (Yeah yeah! Musicians and dread locks are my weak points, so what?) But if your can't sing, please zip it. It would be a nice gesture but I do not really care about gestures.

It must not be on my birthday!
It must not be on Val's day!
It must not be on Christmas day!
It must not be on New Year's day!
I even heard a full blown Nigerian girl once say she wants hers to be on Halloween. Huh? C'mon girls!

It could be in the comfort of your room or mine and make it an early morning affair. You could serve me breakfast in bed with the ring in a box beside it. Darling, please keep it short and sexy. I love quiet and I would love to savor the moment before telling the whole world.

I always like to say the most important thing last. Before you propose. Please make sure that I will say YES. I hate to explain myself to your friends and family.

Now, one final thing; you do realize I ain't getting any younger right? So oga, pop the question already!

Happy new month y'all!