NYSC wahala

Let me warn you before you start reading. This is going to be a really short story!

It was just a year ago that NYSC sent me to Bauchi. In my little Nsukka town I wondered where that is. Abuja is far. Jos is farther and I heard that Bauchi is farther than Jos. I sat at Lagos love garden in UNEC for almost an hour starring at my call up letter wondering what to do.

Mum called and I told her in the tiniest of voices. My hands shook in fear. Mum being mum reassured me. "Its on earth right? Human beings live there. I'm sure other people were posted there too". Her exact words.

With her strength, I resolved to face my fears. I asked around for anyone else joining me in Bauchi. No one. I must be really special, I thought.

I didn't know anyone in Bauchi. Camp opens on Monday and the noble institution that I studied in gave out call up letters Saturday night. I got home early Sunday morning, packed my things and mum rushed me to the park.

Mine was not a case of "...darling, take this 50k for now. I'll send you more next tomorrow..." I had 5k in my bag. If the bus spoilt on the way, 5k won't suffice to take me to Bauchi. But me complaining would be mean. I was so sure mum and my younger ones would stay hungry for a week cos of the 5k I took. I put my brave face on and hoped mum doesn't see through it and with a lump in my throat that I nearly choked on, I waved at her as the bus left the park.

It took an hour for my nerves to calm and that was when I looked around the bus. Haba! We sat five persons per seat. Naaaaaaa! I have to rephrase that. We sat five persons per BENCH. What served as back rest was the load between us and the the person sitting behind us. Am I sure I'm in the right bus? I asked the grandpa beside me where the bus was going and he said Bauchi. Like this? God help me!

I slept off hoping that when I wake up we would be half way through the journey. My eyes blinked open three hours later and we were still at Obollo (Obollo is like 15 mins trek from the park). Wtf???????

Oh! I forget to tell you guys how I dressed. I wore a sparkling white t-shirt tucked into a sparkling white pair of jeans. I had a black pull over on the t-shirt and on my feet was a sparkling white pair sneakers with black sole. I didn't forget my sparking white back pack. I looked like a curvy King's College student. Don't think white is my favourite colour. My love for white started when one mumu boy that was pressing my mumu button carelessly said that white looks good on me. I changed my wardrobe to white. Chai! I don do mumu things sha...

In a Range Rover, I would look perfect. In this bus, I was overdressed! I was still analysing my white n white when someone screamed "My shoe! My shoe!" Hian! "Driver!!! Stop!! My shoe just fell out!" From where? How does shoe just fall out of a bus? The screamer kept looking underneath him muttering something that sounds like "Open" under his breath. Na wa o! Thank God he wasn't seated beside me o. I can't deal with a mad man's bite right now, I thought. The driver stopped and the screamer ran out in search of his shoe! It had rained and muddy puddles were left all over the place. He went puddle to puddle, stirring with his hand! Gosh! Even if Micheal Korrs and Louis Vuiton made that shoe, I won't do that! *irritatedmuch* He found it and walked back to the bus dripping mud! I kept wondering how the shoe fell off and that was when I saw it. Haha. The floor of de bus was nothing but planks held together with tiny nails. I imagined all the passengers fall out the bus not through the windows or door but through the bottom. I said a silent prayer.

And bam!!!!!!! The bus screeched to a halt! E don spoil! By 4pm. Nobody knew where we were! Not even the driver! Hian! In his defense, he said he missed his way a long time ago and decided to follow some other buses who he felt were going to Bauchi! Chineke m oooooo! What if they were going to India? There was no network! The driver hailed a bike to go to a neighbouring to get a mechanic. One old passenger held to his trousers screaming, "No! No! No!" Oga, no wetin? He kept shouting NO! "U wan leave us go where? Na lie! U no go come back! U wan leave us for here make bear and lion come chop us? E no go work!"

A peace maker intervened and asked the old man to go with the driver to make sure he comes back. Old man shout "Lie lie! If e kill me for road nko?" Some other people volunteered to go with them. Others refused! Wahala wa o! Finally, nobody went anywhere! We all sat there waiting for our fairy godmother to breeze in.

So many drivers stopped to help. None worked. 5pm already! After what seemed like forever, a man who said he's a mechanic arrived and did God knows what. At 6pm, we continued our journey to Bauchi! Boom!! An hour after we thought we were victorious, the engine of the bus caught fire! The driver ran out and headed for the bushes leaving us to struggle with the door. Ewo!!! A nwuola m o!!!!!!! I think the old passengers realised that fire was no 'respecter' of age cos they struggled more than we did!

Seeing that the bus hasn't blown up in flames, the driver crept out of the bushes! There was a heap of sand a million steps from where the bus was parked. The driver would run to the heap and run back with a handful of sand that he'll pour on the fire that was fast growing. It was a bad situation but I couldn't stop laughing. I didn't forget to pull out my bags before I opened my mouth to laugh. I didn't laugh for long though. All the other passengers knew where they were going. Within a minute after the fire quietened down, I was left with the mumu driver and a man that looked like a court clerk. It was 9:16! I was so scarred!

I learnt that Jos was an hour away from where we were but I wasn't going to Jos. I called mum to look for somebody in Jos that I can spend a night with. The driver hailed a bus for me and asked that I should be stopped at Forest. he explained that once I get to Forest, I would easily get a taxi or bus to Jos. Don't think that Forest is just a fancy name. It was a forest! It was so dark. The trees were so thick and so close to each other. Where are the buses na? Not even a single soul was there. The driver stopped an asked me to alight. I refused. Alight where? No way! What if I don't get a bus? After so much plea, I got down. I felt like I was starring in After Earth (a darker version of it) A taxi finally stopped in front of me after what seemed like forever and I jumped in without asking where it was going. Anywhere is better than forest.

It seemed like the other passengers and the driver knew themselves. Ermmmm...am I sure I didn't just jump into a dungeon! Stories of how albinos are used for rituals came rushing into my head. I started saying my rosary (Rosary wey I never say for 5years now) I increased the intensity of my prayer when the driver kept turning to look at my head. The passengers joined him too. They would assess my head and say something in hausa. My heart raced! I said 20 decades of the rosary within 5 minutes. I counted with my fingers and my toes. I shook so hard. The driver suddenly stopped beside a group of young guys who sat around a fire. I guess my time is up. I imagined them roasting me in the fire. The driver came down and walked around to where I sat. He said something in hausa and they all laughed. I interpreted it as "food has arrived"

Well, this food was not ready to be eaten. Just as he opened my door and put his hand to drag me out ( I guess), I dashed out, jumped over the fire and headed for the bushes.

I ran so fast screaming HELP. Who exactly was I calling in this bush for help? Reptiles or what? Then I saw a movement in the bush! Ewo! I ran back to where I came from. With humans, I get to say my last prayer before they kill me. With animals, no time for that.

As I emerged from the bush, they were all so confused. They asked what the matter was. I begged them not to cut my head. That I'm just a corper posted to Bauchi. I offered them the 5k and my bag. They laughed and told me to enter the car that they will take me to where I'm going. I got in and the and the driver asked me to relax. That all he wanted was to arrange the glass behind me that was almost falling out. Oh! Was that all they were looking at?

A friend called and asked that I stop at NTA. That she would be there waiting for me. I told the taxi man which he did. As I got down, I tried calling her, all her lines were switched off. Hian. Not by 1am na! I was the only one on the street! The cold no be here. I sat on my bag and waited for the worst. I cursed NYSC for putting me through the stress. Ahhhhhhh! As I was about going to ask NTA gate man to allow me spend the night at his cubicle, my friend came out. I was too tired to smile or exchange pleasantries. I looked like a pig too. She told me that she was staying with some guy, a church member and when he opened the door, I screamed....

....to be continued