Back in time

Piak! Shiap! Piak! Goron!Don't be scared! I'm not mad yet! How else would you want me to explain mum's 'konks' (knocks) and slaps! I would have used 'whoop' but then you would think its just one weightless chiding followed by "..go seat in your naughty chair" or "You are grounded for a day! Go to your room!" My mama no get that kine time! The only ground you get to see is when she's rubbing your nose in it. See eh...if you ever thought that seeing stars after a slap was just some sort of cartoon exaggeration then you must be mistaken! Mum's slap will make you see a galaxy. There was no "..I'm sorry mum. I won't do it again." Hahahahaha! Imagine! She's stammering with anger, holding on to your trousers or whatever you are wearing and hitting your back side with so much vehemence over some silly thing you did...all you will be shouting is E kpo m nooo (I'm finished)...a nwu m noooo (I'm dead) ...mama m noooo (my mother)...hahahaha...the same one that is hitting you.I come from a family of...of...still counting! All I know is that my family yapa (is large) and in all truth, growing up was fun! Dad wasn't a military man (dear primary school mates, forgive me for that lie that he was! Ah ah! Na primary school na. It was the only way I could compete with you people's lies) but we were raised like military kids. Slaps, kicks, konks and throws got shared at will to normalise us. Looking back now, I love my parents more. If no be say dem beat us eh, na only Jehovah go fit explain wetin we for don become.My eldest brother at an early age of two became an 'engineer'. He 'repaired' TVs, radios, sockets and any other thing that has a wire running through it. He always had a prank up his sleeve and like sheep, we all followed him. He was the boss! Hunger made us so innovative silly wise. Ours went beyond climbing and sliding on rails, climbing trees and kissing while playing hide and seek. Naaaaa! That's kiddies play!

l still remember so well one of those days when mum wasn't around and we were on holiday, I think I was 7 or 8years. We turned mum's sewing machine into a toy car (as real toy cars was a luxury my parents couldn't afford). Big bro, as chairman, sat on the machine (owner), my other foolish bro sat where the feet is meant to be and rolled the wheel like a steering (driver) while the girls pushed the machine! 

Big bro gave orders about where he should be driven to

"To the kitchen..."

"To the bathroom..."

"To the room...not the boys' room, dad's room..." 

If for say we dey watch weight eh, we for done loose 10kg

Finally, he gave the order that caused wahala 

"To the toilet! I want to pee!"

We were so tired from all the pushing. This one don pass play, na manual labour. 

"Ogbo, we are tired o", my elder sister, Egoonu, protested

"What do you mean? Is it not turn by turn? After I'm done peeing, it will be Okwuchukwu's turn, then you, then Obunna, Nnenna and Ochiora", he replied in anger

Na wa o. Before it gets to me, I'd either be numb or dead from all the pushing.

We all grumbled but agreed and pushed him to the toilet. He stood on the sewing machine and did his thing splashing urine on us especially Obunna who was manning the wheel under the sewing machine.

"Ah! Why are you splashing urine all over me? Eh? Take it easy!", he screamed and tried to stand up forgetting that he was under a sewing machine. He hit his head so hard on the machine pushing Ogbo off the machine and into the toilet bowl. The already weak toilet bowl broke and scattered everywhere leaving only the stump on the floor and scraping off Ogbo's shin and cutting some of his toes (not off completely. Thank God)

Amidst Ogbo's scream and Obunna's "Ishi m noooo" (my head o), the girls looked confused. Since our leader is down, we all looked at our second in command, Okwuchukwu, for help. As little as we were, we all understood the chain of command. She took charge.

"Nnenna, make four cups of garri. Ochiora, get me mentholated spirit, plaster and cutting wool. Egoonu, push this machine back to the sewing room", she threw orders at us

"Only me?," Egoonu complained "How can only me push this heavy..."

"Push it," first and second in command screamed. The house shook under their thunderous voice (or so my little brain thought). I fastened my pace to get what I was asked (as the obedient one)

Nna mehn. It wasn't a small something. Okwuchukwu quickly dressed Ogbo's wounds and placed an ice pack on Obu's swollen head.

"Ora, get me the big cello tape in dad's room. Nnenna, where's the garri I asked you to make?", she asked

Nne mumbled something through a mouth filled with something. We rushed to the kitchen and found her eating garri and egusi soup.

"Food is ready", Nne announced

"Did I ask you to make food," commander asked in rage. She snatched the bowl of garri together with the ball in Nne's hand and headed to the toilet.

We followed, wondering how garri will help. Well, it did help. She patched up the toilet seat like a jigsaw with rolls of cello tape and garri and when she was done, it looked like a white clay pot. We quickly arranged the house and doubled our clothes knowing fully well that before the day ends, rain will fall on us. Obu brilliantly wore a face cap to cover his swollen head. 

Mum came home first followed by my uncle who was happy that we kept the house in good shape. He shared biscuits and ground nuts that he bought for us. We said 'thank you' through weak smiles. Fear no gree me know whether the biscuit sweet. Nnenna wrapped hers and kept away. At least after the beating, she'll have some sort of consolation in eating them. I prayed silently that nobody uses the toilet for a week or so.

"Ogbonna!!!!!!!!", my uncle screamed from the toilet

We all knew what must have happened but we ran to confirm and there he was sitting in a pool of water and broken toilet seat with newspaper in his hand! The look on his face was so funny and I giggled at the sight. 

Mum marched out from her room with a bunch of cane

"What happened?" She knows her kids too well. No day would ever pass without a drama. We all ran to the veranda hiding behind each others back and praying not to be the first to receive the wrath. The rain finally fell!