NYSC wahala (....contd.....)

Let me tell a story before I continue.

Back then in school, a year before I graduated, the Student Union Government held her elections. I don't care about such things. All the candidates went round the school campaigning for votes and stuff. I took interest in one who was contesting for the SUG president when he walked into my hostel room filled with girls without knocking. Nobody was naked or half dressed but I thought knocking would be the right thing to do. I asked him and his 'otimkpus' to step out and knock before entering the room. They did. I thought it would also be nice to listen to him but he started speaking through his nose (Just imagine a man who spent all his life in a village speaking through his nose) I plugged my ears to block out the ear drum tearing sound and continued with a movie I was watching. I don't care who wins anyway. After some minutes, someone tapped me and I turned. It was Mr. Presido, "You are a rude bitch", he said "If I wasn't running for this seat, I'll beat you silly!" That was his mistake! I dedicated my time and campaigned against him. Tore down all his posters. On his manifesto night, I gathered all my friends and made so much noise. Eventually, he failed!

When the door opened for my tired body, there Mr. Presido stood in his briefs! I screamed and hugged him. I rushed into the house and sat down before he bangs the door to my face. I got all chatty! "How re you? Long time? You work in Jos now? Oh wonderful! Nice seeing you. I've missed u..." All in a quest not to be thrown out. He left the room so I could undress. I asked where the bathroom is. My friend, Mandy, pointed outside. Eh! I can't. Its so cold outside (cold ko. I was just scared that if I go outside to take my bath, Mr. Presido might lock me out). Mandy looked at me like duh. "Babe, you are not sleeping without bathing. You look like what a vulture threw up. What the heck happened to you? Oya, come go bath"! I asked her to stay with me. If he locks me out, I would have company (hahaha! As a badt girl)

There was this horrible smell in the room like someone used the toilet for days without flushing. Initially, I thought I was the one but even after bathing, the smell kept at it. Mmmph! Ah ah! How can someone live in a toilet bikonu? I couldn't just ask "What's smelling?" I'm a visitor after all. I endured and endured and endured. Ah! I had to ask Mandy. Abeg, wetin dey booze like so? She and Mr. Presido talked at the same time, "We think say na you o. You shit for body abi na wetin?" Hian. That was embarassing but who cares. All I wanted was for the smell to stop! Arrrrgggghhhhh! We started the search and urrrghhhhhh! Under my sparkling-before-now-brown-footwear was a heap of shit. Every bush has such.

I was so tired out when I finally jumped into bed to sleep. The sound of what seems like a bomb blast woke me up with a start. I sat up and was about starting to say a prayer for Nigeria in distress when I saw Mandy and Mr. Presido staring at me! Shit! It dawned on me that I've started throwing my midnight bombs! The type that comes with smell instead of fire. Embarrassing. I apologised and continued my sleep. God purnish this mess.

I left the house really early for Bauchi. I saw other corpers buying buckets and stuff. With my 3k? I will borrow things in camp jare. I can't shout. I got to camp by 8am. The sun was so high. I brought out my umbrella and hid myself under it. The mopo men checking our bags took offense and ordered me to wrap up the umbrella! Eh? I spoke so fast about skin cancer they sha let me go. I completed my registration and got my room, khaki and boots in 10mins! I dressed my bed and watched as others came in with load! Ah ah! Maybe they would leave from camp to their husbands house. I slept off. When I woke up, the place was so quiet! Rapture? I quickly scanned through the room. Nobody. I closed my eyes and continued my sleep. Maybe this will be the 3 weeks vacation I've always wanted.

I woke up so hungry! I saw people carrying food flasks. It seems it was food time. I brought out mine and followed the crowd! The cafeteria was like a journey, dem for just bring keke or bike sef wey go they carry us the waka this thing! Mtchew! When we got there, the menu was "tuwo masara and ogbono soup". I have to know the state of the toilet before I eat that. I jejelly carried myself back to the hostel and continued my sleep or what seems like it. The weather was so abnormal. In the morning, its so cold! Mid morning is cold and hot one keeps wondering whether to cover up or not. Noon is so hot like hell fire! In the evening, cold sets in.

I joined the association of Catholic Corpers. Why? I didn't buy a bucket neither did I have strength to fetch water. In the morning, I would tie my towel, carry my soap dish and majestically walk to any Catholic corper and join in her bucket of water. We are Christians. Haha! They might hate it o but nobody said! I would dress up, tuck a novel away in my jacket and go for parade! Once its time for jogging, I'll faint! Once they lay me down on a bed, I'll wake up, wait for 5mins then I'll read my novel. The doctors will buy me food and when I'm sure all jogging and parades have ended for the day, I'll carry myself to my room with all the medications the doctors recommended. I finally got redeployed! Yayyyyyyy!

The plan was to go straight to Lagos but I was so sick I had to go home! Why won't I be sick when I was in a sick place for 3weeks. I became a correct albino. Red like cherry. Chai! Mum nearly did not recognise me. She pampered me so much that when it was time to continue my journey to Lagos, I broke down in tears. The stern look on mum's face was "If I slap you..." I respected myself and packed my things!

On the morning of my departure, I was so glad I would travel light with just my bag pack and a little box but more had her plans too. She packed two big 'Ghana-must-go' bags with food and a gallon of palm wine. Hian! How will I carry all these things na? Haha! Shey na bus go carry me? We left the park by 8am. Nothing happened on the road this time. There was no running into bushes or carpenters pretending to be mechanics! The journey was smooth but slow and we got to Ojota by 9pm.

I've never been to Lagos. Duh! I've heard so much about how razz Lagos can be, how everyone is so busy, how there's always traffic, how phones are stolen.... I've heard so much. Ermmmm...I didn't know where I was going. Someone was meant to come and pick me. I waited and waited. I had my brave face on (nobody must know that I'm a JJC) Hahaha! My ghana-must-go and palm wine gallon made that hard. From nowhere, a tattered looking man and asked me if I've paid for where I kept my load. Hian! Paid for what?
"Madam, no be you I dey ask? You don pay for this place where you keep ya load"
With my sharp mouth, I bravely asked him to leave me alone! Hei! That recharged him! He ran in circles around me shouting. "Eh! Wetin! I dey tell you make you pay for the ground wey you keep ya load you dey here the speak grammar! God purnish you...." He continued his chant in yoruba and voom, he lifted up one of the bags. Eh! I held on to his trousers because I thought he wanted to run away with it but instead he placed the bags on my head and gave me the gallon of palm wine to hold! "If you think say you be Dokubo pikin, keep am for ground and see wetin I go do you...." Mmmh! I carried them o! I can't shout. My neck bent to one side. My phone rang and I mumushly went to the bully and begged him to allow me drop the palm wine gallon so I could answer my phone. He did small shakara and allowed me.

Ewo. My brother said he couldn't come to pick me and asked me to take a cab. With the load on my head and palm wine in my hand, I called a cab and he quickly agreed to carry me at a price I thought was so low. I put the load in the boot and with my neck still bent, I got into the cab. Na wa o! Lagos hard o! The cab man climbed bridges, turned here and there, climbed down bridges, turned again and here...hian. Oga, we never reach? He started making calls in yoruba! They don come again o. Kidnappers! The car was still moving (not high speed though) when I jumped out of the car! I landed on my ass, stood up and ran off (I sabi run sha) I remembered the food and palmy! No way! I cannot leave them o! I ran back...erm...I continued my race of life when I saw the cab man after me! Ha! I don die! I shouted, "Kidnapper! Help!" while he screamed "Thief! My money!" I couldn't continue! Hei! I hid behind an electric pole! Hahaha! Can we call that hide? I was 3 sizes of the pole and as fair as snow white! People stopped the man and asked what the problem is! I told them that the man wants to kidnap me! He screamed and rapped some yoruba sentences that ended in "...she no wan pay me. Pay me money jare." Ha! They asked where I was going and I told them the street and number the way I crammed it as my brother told me! The pointed to a house and said that I've reached. Chai!

...To be conti....
Lol! There's nothing to continue. I got there safely and my brother welcomed me and the palm wine more!