What a week

Truth be told, whatever was pursuing me this week had nothing to do with my village! I saw elements of Benin in the week's ish. My village people are not this strong. Hahahaha! (I haven't gone crazy yet, pals!) It is written that I should laugh in all things and situations! Alleluia somebody! 

On Monday, I was exceptionally happy! That simply told me that the day would turn out badly but I couldn't stop being happy. By 4am, I was awake and agile. I did my 'daily' work outs that I haven't done in months and by 6am I was 'ready to rambo' in the best dress and jacket I have in my wardrobe! I was so excited that I wore heels 6inches high against the flats that I would have worn ordinarily. I whistled to old Frank Sinatra tunes. In all, it was just a beautiful morning!

My bestie, Chuka, was right on time to pick me from the house! Ughhh! He looked so cute and sexier that morning! I guess I'm not the only one in high spirits. I gave him my customary peck (lasted longer than usual as I inhaled his breathtaking perfume) Uh la la! Haha! Beautiful, beautiful morning. We exchanged pleasantries - how are you? How was your night? Replies were punctuated with ohs, ahs and laughter. We chatted as we nibbled on some muffins that I left the house with. The dj at The Beat seemed to be playing from my playlist. Prayed the moment wouldn't end but its a monday. I may not want to go 'there' but I got to go 'there'!

It had rained at night so the road was so wet and muddy! And because I felt all sweet and natural, I asked Chuka to wind down the glass and turn off the AC. It would be nice to enjoy the breeze, I thought! He did and it really was nice! We continued with our gist and sang along as Jumar's songs played. (By the way, if you haven't listened to Jumar, you are missing a lot). Just as we got to Silverbird galleria, a car zoomed pass us splashing a little water on the car. Owwwk! I guess its time to wind up before a maniac decides to....and vooooooooom! Another car zoomed pass faster than the first and took the whole car through a wash! We were covered in dirt from top to bottom. Chuka stopped abruptly as muddy water covered his eyes and the car behind him rammed into his behind...not his behind like his ass but his car...(You know what I mean na). I was so dumbfounded. The driver behind us came out of his car raining curses on the 'car wash' driver (not like it would change anything) 

Chuka turned the car around and we headed home. I need to soak myself in dettol and wash my mouth with iron sponge and jik to wash off this stinking...stinking...gosh!!!! I don't want to think about it! Everything irritated me. Didn't know the 'noisy' song that the DJ was playing so I turned off the radio and Chuka turned it back on muttering Miss Morning Breeze under his breath. He jumped every pot hole like it was nothing. I kept asking him to calm down but his anger blocked me out. He sped like a knight rider on the Third Mainland Bridge leaving me more scared than angry! He swerved right in front of a fast moving truck and I screamed out his name. He conveniently found a corner on the bridge to park and calmly asked me to get down! Hian! Get down and do what? Out of fear, I calmly asked him to take it easy with me. The tears that have been threatening finally lost its patience! 'Hian! Babe! I cannot deal with a crying woman right now. I'm sorry. I'll get us home in one piece. Okay?' Well, fair enough (Yet to see that angry man that my tears haven't calmed down. Hehehe)

By the time we got home, I've lost all flare to go to work. I was also so sick in my guts that I threw up all over the place. Chuka suggested going to the hospital and I refused vehemently knowing fully well that the only thing wrong with me is my psych. I just needed to take away the thought that the water splashed all over me had urine, shit, spit and catarrgh in it. Chuka ran the bath for me and while I took my bath, he cleaned up. I changed into my nightie and cuddled up with my pillow. The look on his face as he sat beside me was that of should-I-stay-or-should-I-go? Make up your mind, darling and while you are at it, please go take a bath. He smiled (in the best boyish way ever) like he read my mind (I'm seeing things) and promised to come check up on me when he's ready to get back to the office.

I woke up thirty minutes later feeling worse. I lay there counting all the ceiling boards one after the other. I imagined how the carpenters climbed to hit the nails in, how there should have been a ceiling fan since there was a hook, how I could just give my neighbours something to talk about by hanging myself on the hook...erm...that thought made me call Chuka to come back before I become a head liner. He did. He worked on his system while I slept and by 2pm, I woke up hungry. He asked what I wanted to eat. I'm sure he expected to hear indomie or sphag or sth but instead I said beans. "Babe! Why can't you behave like normal people. What girl asks a guy to prepare beans?" Well, I do! Its beans I want and its beans I'll have! And that was how I spent the whole day in bed eating beans, sleeping and getting fat like an elephant!

Tuesday came and as I woke up, I warned myself not to get excited. Monday was enough for me. With a straight face, I got ready for work. I packed a change of clothes in my bag (you no dey know finish) Chuka came to to pick me and we headed for work as early as 5:45am. Without being told, I wound up the glass as I was not ready to drink people's spit today or any other day. I rolled down my seat and slept off.

I woke up feeling choked. I gasped for air. I was also covered in water or something liquid. Chuka too. Not today! No! Certainly not today! I asked Chuka if someone gave us a bath again. He said no! Why then are we wet? (Erm...not wet like wet. You know what I mean na.) He looked at me like 'this-girl-must-be-joking" before he replied, "We are sweating, silly!" Hian! "Chuka, is that not why cars have AC? How will you leave the windows wound up and not turn on the AC?" As I nagged, I fiddled with the AC contols! He waited for me to complete my nag before he told me that the AC is spoilt. Owwwk. Well, if sweat wants, let it pour like rain. I will not wind down! And that was how we sat throughout the journey sweating like pigs! At work, I had to sit by the fountain in front of the office to take in fresh air. I smiled at everyone that passed like a receptionist. When my mouth got tired, I respected myself and went in and started work for the day. The earlier, the better. 

It was just like an ordinary day. Everything went on well until my tummy started singing. I changed the way I sat hoping it will stop (wondering where that theory came from). I kept changing positions until my colleague asked me if I was pressed or something. It calmed after sometime and I was glad. Then the unit head came to give me something to do and my tommy chose that moment to growl. It was so loud it sounded like I messed! Everyone turned towards me with unbelievable looks on their faces. I stood up and apologised with a weak smile. Nobody smiled back. The smile on my face died down. Owwk! "I'm sorry...erm...tommy..." I stammered. How do I convince them that t didn't mess? I couldn't even convince myself. "Go to the rest room and sort yourself out then come and see me in my office." Wow. I walked out slowly not because I was sober but because there was this hot shit threatening to drop if I walk too fast. I got there without issues and as I sat on the toilet seat.....(Should I tell? Well, its my diary). It came out noiselessly. It was so watery too. I moaned and groaned as more came off. You know that sweet and painful feeling? Exactly the way I felt. When I was done, I cleaned off (obviously). I smiled like I achieved something and wiped off the sweat that was all over my face! Then I turned around to examine and praise my production. Its always a beautiful sight to behold (call it weird but its what I do). If I'm not productive in a day, I'm so sure I can't loose out in this end. Haha. (I hope no one is eating beans or ogbono soup). Mmmmhhhh! This wasn't beautiful in any way. Black watery shit was scattered all over the place. Wow! (Don't imagine! I'll post the picture. Chai!

I heard someone walk in and walk out immediately exclaiming something inaudible. Almost immediately, someone else walked in and I heard her run out! I hope there's no masquerade outside the door. As I was about to flush, someone came in. I could tell that it was a cleaner with the noise that came from a trolley being pulled by the person. "Na wa o! Who come shit this one? Ah ah! Make I leave the door open make the smell commot small. People go just dey chop chop chop den come for toilet come shit atomic bomb...." She went on and on and on. Na wa o. How do I want to go out and face this cleaner? I flushed my creation and ewooooooooooo, the toilet overflowed (maybe cos of the very many tissue paper I used to clean off) and just as the shit spread and floating on the water was about to sip on the floor, by some miracle the water went back in. I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank you, God!

But here I was faced with the issue of whether to flush or not to flush. I starred at the toilet seat (maybe it will give me a sign of what to do). Well, it didn't and I have work waiting for me. I flushed again. This time, the tissue went but the shit remained. I flushed again and again and again! Una don see where watery shit no dey gree flush? (Benin is involved). After the fifth flush, I concluded that I needed a bucket of water but where can I get that in this office? I was so frustrated. As the only thing I could do, I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer to God before I flushed again and.... it worked! It worked! This miracle, to me, pass wedding at Canan o! Chai! Thank you, God! I opened the door hoping there was no crowd waiting for me. I ran out sharply to the toilet on the next floor to wash my hand (make nobody associate me with the kind of smell that came along my lovely creation). I quickly went to see my boss and all he said was, "Make sure that doesn't repeat itself again! What disrespect!" Erm...what should I apologise for? That I 'messed' or that I left the toilet in a smelly, very smelly state? It didn't matter because he didn't want to hear about it! I went away fully sad! At my desk, I was just letting bygone be bygone when someone came in lamenting about how smelly the toilet is. Everyone laughed (including me o). I told them that I smelt it too and ran away to another toilet. #asko#

Wednesday came and I prayed that my pursuers should let me be. With my spirits high and hopeful, I went to work. Nothing happened. When work closed, I smiled like a child who just got her A B C D right and headed for Chuka's office. I needed to pee but it was something I could hold till I get there. When I got there, everyone had gone home except him. We exchanged greetings and talked about the day. He specifically asked if something went wrong and I said no with a wide grin. We both laughed. I forgot that I wanted to pee and started watching a movie on my laptop while I waited for him to finish up. And bam...the pee pressure came in earnest! I quickly ran to the rest room but once I saw that the place was dark, I ran out! I have a huge phobia for dark places.

"Babe, what happened with the light?", I asked.

"Dude, they all went off this evening. An electrician will be here tomorrow to work on them", he replied

I wanted to scream that I wanted the electrician right away but of what good would that be?

"Do you have any torchlight?", I asked

"No, darling! Scared cat of the block, oya come let me take you", he replied

"Where will you stay while I pee? Shebi you will still be outside the door while I stay alone in the dark?"

"Well...does it matter if I stay with you in the toilet? Its dark after all".

This conversation took place within 30 seconds. I rushed out and headed for the car park. Little drops of urine were already coming off. I looked for a big car amongst the many and hid beside it to pee carefully standing on a big stone to stop urine from being splashed all over me. (Yes! Its barbaric but I'm pressed. Duh!). Dunno if you have seen the way women in the village hold their wrapper and shoot out their ass to pee. That's the exact way I stood. Because the bus was so close to the stone I stood on, I placed my forehead on the half open window of the bus, bent a little, shot my ass out and let it flow. Ugggggggghhhhh....It was a good feeling. Just as I raised my face a lirrle, I saw something black pressed against the other side of window where my face once was. It was a face! A very black unsmiling face. I screamed! He quickly held on to my hand. I screamed more! Then he brought out his tongue and wriggled it like a snake! I'm dead! He wasn't saying anything. I screamed and screamed while I struggled to loosen his grip. I'm dead. He made some chanting sounds! Oh My God! What is this? He let go and I ran like a scared lost puppy and hid behind Chuka's seat where I broke into uncontrollable tears. He kept asking what the matter is. How can I explain when I could barely breathe? "....bus to pee...black man held me..." He laughed and said something about the bus being the man's house, that he's deaf and dumb, that.... I don't care. He scared me and I was so shaken. Chuka kept laughing. He carried my bag and asked the security men to close up and as I stood up from the floor where I sat, I realised I was soaked. I have peed all over my body. Hey! How do I tell him? I'll soak the seat and leave the car smelling like urine. I have to tell him. He started the car and I stood at the passenger side staring at him. 

"Dude, you no want go house? Come make we waka na."

I still stood my ground. He stopped the engine from running and walked to where I stood

"What is it again? You are freaking me out," he said

"Do you by any chance have markintosh in your car?" I asked

(I wonder how I even thought about it.) He looked at me like what-the-hell. He asked why I needed one and I starred at my toes so ashamed. And he burst into laughter asking if I peed on myself. I nodded in response. His laugh increased. He opened the boot of his car and I prayed he won't pull out markingtosh. That would be weird. He handed me a pair of shorts and I quickly changed into it. And that was how I spent my night dreaming about murderers n rapists. 

Thursday morning, I was so weak! Lack of sleep has its effects. I still lay down hoping that Chuka would wake me up like he usually does or big bro and his wife would start banging doors and pots! None of that happened. Ah ah. What's going on? I looked at the time - 6:58am. I quickly took my bath and knocked at their door and they both said they weren't going to work (love things) Ha! I called Chuka. He wasn't going too. Is there a public holiday I didn't hear about? I got ready as fast as I could and ran out to board a BRT going to VI by 7:15am. I was freaked out tired and sleepy. At Costain by 7:32am, I slept off and there were no monsters in my dream. When I opened my eyes, I was at the other side of Costain and more passengers were coming in. I was still a bit drowsy and my brain was still booting like a mainframe. Was this bus carried over to the other side of the road or what? I looked at my watch, 8:32am! Ohhhhhh Myyyyyyyy Gooooooooodddddd! I slept for one hour and nobody woke me up!!! At first, my heart raced then I thought what's the point running? I 'nwayooly' walked out of the bus, crossed over to the other side of the road and boarded another bus. At the office, a query and a 5k penalty was waiting for me. I should have just slept at home. Mtchew.

Friday came (of course it should after Thursday.) What will happen today? I sat on my bed and wished that I didn't have to get off it. I've had enough stress to last me a year. Duty calls so I got off and got ready. I got to work so early so I went to one of our meeting rooms to read. I put @amejumar Replay on replay and plugged my ears with my ear piece. Because I know nobody ever comes into the meeting room I was in, I messed with reckless abandon. It was so smelly. Chai. I messed on per minute basis. Then I saw the door open (wide eyed) and my boss walked in! Na wa o. I removed my ear plugs to hear what he was saying "....you come here to read too?," he said. Too? In all my one year of reading here, I've not seen anybody read in this room. I nodded and greeted him. His strides and facial expression changed. He placed his books on the table and sat down then stood up to open all the windows. Truthfully, the smell was much. He blew his nose like a million times. (Eleyi wa awkward) and when he couldn't take it again, he said he would be right back and hurriedly left. He never came back. I cursed Chuka's beans. 

In the afternoon, I messed again in a corridor that no one ever passes. Of course it was smelly. And just as I reached the end of the corridor, my boss walked pass me into the corridor. Ah ah oga. They send you? I heard him say something like "What is wrong with this..." This man would say that the only work I do in this company is mess. I hope he doesn't call me to advise me to use the toilet regularly. I saw him again 30 minutes later and immediately he saw me, he turned around and took another way. You go blame the man? 

During lunch, I met him again at the lunch room. I pleaded with my asshole to behave itself and I also prayed that no one else messes. I hope the man can differentiate my mess from others. Will the day just be over? Mtchew. 

Saturday came and I refused to leave my bed. It is safer and perfect to just lie here.