Ask again? Never!

"I was so angry yesterday, almost to the point of killing somebody."

Ah! 

"Imagine! Yesterday was no good day. God forgive me for calling what you created bad but it was really bad."

Hmmm! God you don hear am na!

"I was broke and salary wasn't showing anytime soon. I had already borrowed from almost everybody I know. Sometimes eh, I borrow from this person to pay that person..."

Ha! Rob-Peter-Pay-Paul syndrome! I'm never giving you any of my money.

"...so there was nobody else to borrow from. It was so bad that I couldn't fuel my car so the only choice I had was to take bus to and fro office. Even you sef kept complaining about money."

Hahaha! So you heard?


"It was pay day and money refused to drop. I didn't have a dime to eat or even transport myself home. The finance guy kept saying he'll pay soon but he never came through. Babe, it was not funny at all"

Ehyahhhh!

picture from dailygossip.ng

"Around 7pm, the stupid salary finally came and I managed to pay some of the people I was owing. Babe eh, that paying back really pained me eh cos when i was done, I was left with almost nothing. With that anger, I entered bus o. The bus that I took had no conductor, so it wasn't fast at all. The driver was doing everything - he'll call for passengers, stop to collect money, come down to open and close door - he was just annoying. When we got to Adeola Odeku, a shabby looking man joined us and took over the conductor role. Everyone was glad cos our journey became smoother!"

Okay. This is good, isn't it?

 "We got safely to Costain and the bus driver said he was going to Ikeja which was perfect for me and almost everyone in the bus including the conductor who, again, collected the fare from us. Hmmmm! Babe, immediately we got to Ojuelegba bridge, the conductor opened the door, jumped off the bus, off the bridge and disappeared under the bridge! Chineke!"

Hahaha! I hope my face was straight enough to hide that I loved the conductor!

"Babe, I had the same look on my face oh! Other passengers screamed in horror. The driver stopped abruptly and the car behind our bus barely missed us. The passengers increased their horror screams, me inclusive o! Ha! That car would have knocked us off the bridge. The driver spat so much Yoruba curses I got scared they might affect me. I pitied him eh! Why not? The stupid conductor just jumped away with all his night's worth. Ehyah!"

Hmmm!

"The story changed o as the driver stopped us jeje at the foot of the bridge and asked us to pay him his money."

Hahahaha! I love the driver too.

"See me o! He wasn't joking o!

'Pay me my money'

"he kept shouting. He said he did not know the conductor and that we, the passengers, were the foolish ones that decided to give a thief our money. He parked o and refused to move. We talked, screamed...for where!

"Nne eh, it was not funny at all at all! Why sit and argue with a driver whose house might be under the Ojuelegba bridge. I left them arguing and took another bus."

Nooo! Sidon there dey wait!

"Wahala no finish for there o! I continued my journey smoothly till I got to Fadeyi where the conductor asked for his money. I confidently groped through my bag but then it hit me - 

'Hey! That evil conductor no give me my change o! Which kine...'

I muttered to myself and kept turning backwards in my seat, looking through the rear glass, maybe in the hope that the conductor that owed me would come strolling past us with an evil grin.

'Madam, no be today nyash begin dey for back o and no be today e get centre parting. We don dey hear this your kine tori tey tey! Gimme my money jhor!' 

"The conductor barked.

"I kept quiet hoping that someone would come to my rescue and pay for me. Babe, nobody answered me o! Lagosians are wicked! And the silly conductor didn't stop nagging.

'Conductor, what is it? Is it because of just a hundred Naira that you are making noise telling me about nyash and...' 

me too provoke but the man no gree.

'Madam, stop speaking grammar and give me my money', he

replied with so much annoyance.

'Oya, stop me for ATM make I withdraw money give you...'

'Hahahahaha! This woman is not serious at all o!'

Oyibo eh, that bus was still moving when that man pushed me off it. I swear! And that was after he rained curses on me and my entire family from generation to generation. I really hope his curses are not already affecting my son because he has been vomiting since last night. But, the story no end for there o!"

When will this story finally end? Phew!

"I walked into the nearest bank to withdraw money and could not find my ATM card."

Ah!

"It was then that I realised that I left it under my keyboard. Oyibo, I trekked o! From Fadeyi to Palmgrove. See my leg na..."

Nothing is wrong with your leg jhor!

"...it nearly broke from all the trekking. At Palmgrove, I stood in front of an orange seller with the hope to catch my breath before asking her for fifty Naira to complete my journey home when one alaye (tout) then walked towards me and asked that I pay him. For what?! He was obviously drunk or high on the smell of his toilet or something like that, so I moved away from him. He followed me saying that where I stood wasn't mine and as such I should pay him. I did not know when I landed a very hot slap across his face!"

Ah!
 

picture from royaltimes.net

"And immediately I did, all my anger got replaced with fear and I quickly hid behind a man that was going his own way. The alaye hit his chest and swore that he would bury me alive. Fortunately, people came to my rescue. They abused him for being a woman beater. Shame on you, they all screamed and then I heard someone say that the alaye tore my skirt"

Ah ah! When!

"I turned my skirt around and a huge tear gaped at me. It must have been when that conductor threw me off the bus. Which means that I had been showing the whole world my huge, no longer white grandma panties. The fear that I once felt got replaced by anger again and I hurriedly begged the orange seller for fifty Naira with the promise that I would return it the next day. She did and asked me not to worry returning and I walked away with my undies exposed amidst 'peles' and 'ehyas'!

On getting home, you would not believe the sight that greeted me..."

What again?!

"...my husband sat in the sitting room watching TV wearing only boxers..."

Awww! How nice! Romance all night!

"...and my silly house-help sat adjacent him wearing a night wear that is short and see through."

Ah!

"I pursued her into her room and my husband asked why I was treating her badly. See me o! Today, I am sending her over to a tailor to make uniforms for her that she would wear anytime she's out of her room. Inside her room, she can go naked if she wants. Because this my husband would always look for a reason to cheat. What nonsense!"

Hahahaha! Too much information, ma'm!

"Oyibo, you would think that the story ended as I climbed into my bed to rest but it didn't."

Does she want to tell me about her dreams? Na wa o!

"My mum called me in the middle of the night to tell me that her distant inlaw died and I need to send some money to her so she could 'donate' towards the burial rites. See me o!"

Awww! How thoughtful of your mum!

"All these people in the village! All they know how to do is die! They keep dying. All my salary I've spent on burying dead villagers! Imagine...!"

Hahahaha. It is only acute hardship that would make someone think of money before saying ehyah when someone dies. Lol! 

"Happy birthday jare!"

"Oh! Thank you ma!"

The only crime I committed towards this woman for her to give me this kind of story was that on my birthday, I was so excited and I did what I would usually not do. I asked her a simple question;

How was your night?

That was it o! And this woman that had not said more than ten words to me since I started working here decided to give me her life story. Now I'm at a dilemma cos how do you tell someone that gave you this kinda gist that you won't give her birthday small chops?

Happy new month!