Marathon

Forgive me but I couldn't help writing another traffic story! I just love Lagos traffic! I remember being asked to write an essay at a job interview and Lagos traffic was all I wrote about while others wrote stuff like the impending and humongous economic and political crises in Nigeria! Haha! My interviewers must be sillier than I am cos I got the job!

So I got this job and they sent me on 6months training! It felt like it will never end! They taught me life application skills! Everything they taught were so true and painful but nothing my mum hasn't taught me! I just refused to apply them! Every morning, we were asked to tell how we applied what was taught the previous day! Haha! Thank God I'm a storyteller! Shey na story dem want?!! Hahaha!

On a certain Wednesday, we closed 2hrs earlier than normal. It felt like a miracle. I felt like jumping up like a child that got to wear her Christmas dress that her mum bought on the 8th of December. To add to my joy, my brothers were celebrating ehm…ehm...ehm…celebrating something. Dunno what but to this effect, they granted me two days public holiday to do what I so will. Awesome!!!!! I couldn’t wait to get to my well laid bed. I planned sleeping from Wednesday night to Monday morning. I know this isn’t achievable but I just felt like I could climb the highest mountain without any equipment

That was how I boarded a bus going to Ketu. I knew I was happy and excited but I didn’t know how much until I greeted everyone in the bus with a wide smile on my face. Haha!!! I asked an old woman how she was doing. Then I told her not to pay her fare that I’ll pay for her.

And then the madness started. There was heavy traffic. Whoever thought saying that the traffic tied gele and buba would make one understand how bad the traffic was needs to see what I was in. It was as if Moses and the Israelites were at it. My happiness washed away a bit. I realized that the bus smelled like hell. I felt stuck. I could trek and get home before the bus but a little faith that the traffic would soon clear kept me rooted at my seat. Well, my faith didn’t work.

If only crying could help me. The heat wasn’t even helping my case. Ahhhhhhhhhh! If u think I was having a bad day, then you need to know that the conductor got to the next bus stop and told us all to get down but if we want to still go with him (in his smelly bus) we should all pay 200 bucks. We all sat put cos there was a crowd waiting to take up our precious seats in the smelly bus. The look on their faces said PLEASE COME DOWN!! And that was how the driver collected 200 bucks at every buss stop! Almost 99% of my training allowance. (Stop calculating! I need to give you all the info like the number of bus stops I have to pass before getting home). And remember that in my happiness, I promised a certain woman that I'll pay for her fare. Chai! I asked her her destination, she said Ketu. That's like 25 bus stops away! A part of me wanted to tell her, "Ma, I know I promised but levels have changed!"

We continued the journey! We crawled and crawled! Every driver struggled for any available way forward! Typical Lagos traffic, cars got bashed and drivers jumped down to yell, speak grammer and eventually fight! Viola! Two were fighting stark naked! Stark naked! Person papa o!!! I'm yet to understand why they have to tear off their clothes.

And then, our driver thought that the traffic was wasting his time and to save his very priceless precious time, he took the BRT lane! Lovely driver! I felt like kissing him for being thoughtful! But I can't throw all caution to the wind so I told the driver to please leave the lane for its rightful owner! I told him this in the tiniest of voices so he wouldn't hear and change his mind about the lane but I'm sure that if caught by the police, I would tell them that I warned the driver but he didn't listen! Haha!

I sat back, looked at others still in the traffic with pity, then closed my and enjoyed the smooth ride! Suddenly, it all ended! I opened my eyes and gosh!! There was traffic in the BRT lane! We were all stuck!! As in, the traffic no be here o! E long eh! Jesus help me! Police men arrived! I can't trek home, I thought. Its too far a journey! All the way from Palmgroove? No No No No! I can't!

A policeman jumped into the bus and informed us that we were all going to the station! Haba!! I told him that I warned the driver o but he didn't listen! He looked at me and said, "Oyibo, that one na story. You will sleep in the station this night."

My God! Geez! OMG! Ohhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! All forms of exclamations came through my mouth! This is not the way I planned my night!

I don't know where the strength came from but I tore open the door, pushed down the policeman and ran for my dear life! There was no ajebo in the matter! I looked back and saw the policeman in pursuit! I removed my handbag from my shoulder squeezed it together like akara and increased my speed! I had no other choice than to cross the expressway to the other side of the road! Every driver screamed curses at me! Cars screeched! Horns blared! My most popular name, OYIBO, was shouted here and there...I didn't care! I looked back again and realised that I've lost the policeman but stopping to take a breath is a luxury that I can't afford! Not tonight! I ran from Palmgroove to Anthony!

I got home safely, took my bath, jumped into bed and laughed out loud! I wonder how funny I looked as I ran for my dear life. I slept off with a lovely smile on my face. This is what I call VICTORY!!