The meeting

I hate meetings!

I don't know what you guys think. I just hate meetings. Especially those many types that do not discuss salary increase, or dancing for two hours everyday at work to take away tension, or eating for free, or staying at home every Monday, or public holidays every month....I just hate meetings. I thought I was the only one in my quest until I started preparing time tables for these meetings. Lol. I was amazed at what grown men and women do during meetings. Apart from those that sleep like there was no night, there are others that are in the meeting but are not really in the meeting and they are not ghosts or guardian angels. Sometimes it could really be crazy and hilarious.

So it's the eighth month of the year and you know what happens...all the new year resolutions we all made concerning ourselves, family, work, love and all what not, have been broken and forgotten. The "ginger" that we will bring in more money during the year have long died down but we still have to attend these meetings. Once again, we all gathered. From where I sat as the able secretary of the meeting, I watched as people sluggishly strolled into the meeting room. Most already knew the hell, deep shit and high water they were in and have grown a thick skin to withstand it. On some faces, I could see sleep written all over. I smiled, knowing that before the meeting ended, something silly would happen. At least, that was one 'good' thing to look forward to.

And then it started. Opening speech to give more 'ginger' with a bit of fear. We were almost at that period of the year where we all accepted that we made money or did not but a little more ginger don't hurt nobody. Every divisional head, unit head and subordinate spoke, explaining why they didn't meet their set out pledge (for sales teams) and why they are spending too much of the sales teams hard earned money (for the operational units). Unfortunately for everyone, the MD is such an intelligent one. No form of lie anyone could come up with passed him unnoticed. Just when you thought you are done, he would pull you back to the first slide to explain why the figures there did not add up to what was in the tenth and the seventh slides. From where I sat, I kept smiling (while hiding behind my laptop).

Everyone slept, even my boss sitting beside me. I would have loved to catch some sleep too, to make up for all the times that Lagos hellish life would not allow me sleep well, but I wouldn't dare close my eyes, as the secretary who would send out the minutes hours after the meeting ended. So I sat and made fun of others that fooled around. And from nowhere....nowhere being my boss' butt hole, the loudest noise in the whole universe filled the room. Silly me didn't know how to react to that so I smiled sheepishly...

"What was that?", oga pata pata asked with his eyes fixated on me. "Is that what I think it is?" he continued. "Chinwe, what was that?"

No one ever trained me on how to act or answer questions when your boss messes loudly during a meeting. Most people in the room including the messee didn't know what went down cos they were all sleeping. I continued smiling (that was all my brain told me to do).

"Chinwe, this is so rude and disrespectful. Even if the formal environment means nothing to you, our age should. How can you come in the midst of people and mess so loudly and smelly too? Are you on cheap drugs? Who hired you? Who hired you? HR! Where is the HR manager? How did you employ her? She messed and she's smiling like a goat and she's still seated! Get out this instant! Get out! And you better come up with a good apology in the next thirty minutes with reasons why you should continue working in this organisation. HR, you too, follow her. You would have to explain to us all why you employed a foolish person...." the screaming continued while I walked out with my head bowed.

Ermmmm....what just happened? I went to the rest room and laughed so loud. Ok! Apology time. I don't have an issue with the apology part. The part that said "REASONS" was what worried me. Maybe the fact that I am the only albino in the building will help and truthfully, that was the only reason I could cook up. I composed myself like I was sober and went back to my office. Friends and foes were already waiting, even my boss who went on and on about how I disgraced him and the unit. I tried so hard not to tell him that he was the one that performed the messy and smelly act.The more I tried, the more I smiled and no one understood why I wasn't crying. After 30 minutes, I armed myself with my able boss and went back to the meeting. I hid behind him and he apologized on my behalf, with reasons of course. Apology accepted, I sat down and unconsciously continued smiling until I heard someone say something about slapping the smile off my face.

The meeting continued, so did the sleeping. I counted every second that passed in anticipation that the meeting would soon end. I started scribbling down on paper to keep me awake (I threw every caution of taking down the minutes correctly to the wind. I would later type what I thought they said). I even analyzed some people's dressing; like the guy wearing an orange shirt and orange socks. I wondered why he didn't wear an orange pair of shoes to complete his 'to match'. An hour before the closing remarks, I started counting down in earnest...33minutes....31 minutes....25minutes.... 19minutes.....and a question got thrown to one unit head who sat beside the projector. He stared at the MD who sat across him and said nothing. The MD repeated the question but got no reply. He kept staring and scribbled something on a paper without looking at the paper (see talent!!!!!!!!). The person beside him tapped him but he did not respond either. Ha! This question must be really tough, I thought. But then, he slowly slumped to his left side. Hai! This man should not traumatize me by dying in front of me o! Is he having a heart attack? Those close to the door quickly ran out and I wished I was on of them. To get to the door, I would have had to walk past a supposedly dead man and that I couldn't afford. I went further into the room and away from him. The doctors-without-hospitals in the building rushed to his aid and all of a sudden, he woke up, said YES and stylishly wiped his spit....ha! Seriously! It was only sleep. The MD walked out without a word (but I'm sure words would be said later). Do you blame him? He nearly had a heart attack. And on that note, the meeting ended and all walked solemnly away with the knowledge that heads would roll later.

I was shaky but a lot thankful that no one died. To steady myself before going back to my office to work with endless excel sheets, I cleared the meeting room of all the litter, to be used as scrap, but something caught my eye. Scribblings! Wow! I thought I was the only one doing that to keep myself busy and awake. Hahahaha! Lemme show you guys some.

We were in a meeting talking about money and all he or she could think about was food. Besides, who still buys food like this? Where would you even buy it? Mama put? Not that I am condemning the person for being cheap, I only wish the person wrote his or her name down so I could get pointed towards where to buy such cheap food. To think that I spend a thousand naira or more on lunch everyday and this person spends just N250 is just plain heart breaking. So i have been wasting my money. I would investigate and find out who this person is. He or she is obviously Igbo or someone that can write the language well. That's a good place to start my search towards spending less cash on food.

This one got me confused. Accounting combined with too much love and floriculture. Is she expecting flowers? Have they been dating for 40years? Hope not. Is she 40years? It would be disturbing if a 40 year old woman sits in a meeting this important and scribbles love, accounting and floriculture. The last time I drew love on paper was 6 years ago when that macho dreadlocks guy was turning my head around the whole place. I would remember because it was in an exam hall and I failed woefully. Why wouldn't I? When all I drew on my exam paper was love, flowers and butterflies. I keep wondering what my examiner thought of me.

Talk about multitasking. Wow! This must be a newlywed and a new employee. I did this too for some time before I realised that money is never enough. I remember then how I would calculate and calculate until grey hairs started threatening to grow on my eye brows. After some time I relaxed, as I am sure this newlywed would too. But na all of us come this meeting sha.

Ha! Sexy?! We were in a meeting of this high importance and all HE's thinking about is sex? Haba. And yes! I am so sure it is a man that wrote this. I smiled as I really thought about this. Anybody could have written this. But I am kinda sure it's that man that looks at me through his grandmaster goggles. I remember taking to my heels whenever I met him at the stairs. He seems like all these men that would quickly hit or press one's boobs when no one is looking and smile a second after.

Hahaha! Na wa o! Oga, correct your tongue. Her name is Chidimma not Shedimma. Say Chi...say Chi...say Chi...say it again... Aha! Now that this has been sorted out, why are you thinking about Chidimma when you are meant to be in a meeting? Hope you are not the man that fainted from sleep when you were dreaming about Shedimma.

Talent dey o! Choi! Someone should please tell whoever drew this that this meeting, this office is not for him. Wow! I can see this guy's appraisal.

'.....he lacks team spirit, does not take responsibility and does not fully understand the business. He also lacks the ability to seek for assistance when needed but he draws well.'

Are we in a business of drawing? Lol. Please set your priorities right and resign o!

I'm sure you know who wrote this. Most of my stories got conceived in these meetings. Lol

Happy new month y'all!