...acute foolishness!

Christmas came and passed so quickly it got my head spinning but it was four days of fun and no cooking. Just wake up, stay in bed gisting or pinging or whatever else, lazily bathe and then go around the village eating other people's good food till late at night. Then, BOOM...! New year came and work started. Just in case you haven't realized, a new year starts with a day like every other. Mine didn't take away my stress or make me leave work earlier than 10pm. It didn't mutiply the money in my bank account neither did it stop everybody that hadn't seen me for a while from starting our conversation with "babes, you are now fat!"

Work started as usual and my four days of fun evaporated within seconds. By mid day, I was red and almost out of breath. I dared not complain! "It is too early in the year" was my awesome excuse for not taking a break to avoid fainting, slumping or worse, dying. I struggled through the day, though I was burning with a fever.

Miraculously, by 5pm, I was allowed to go home and rest. I sluggishly put a foot in front of the other till I got a bus. Before I got to my stop, I prayed silently that God would make me see something funny. All I wanted was a good laugh. I looked everywhere hoping for something ...nothing! It seemed God wasn't in a laughing mood. No naked drivers fighting, no crazy conductor swearing at people and calling every girl that refused to enter his bus 'ashawo' (prostitute). Nobody in the bus cursing his or her boss for letting them do all the work while the rest slept their way to the top ...nothing at all to liven up my day. The thought of that alone made me laugh. "Dear Lord", I thought "You must have a really weird sense of humour"!

From my bus stop, I decided to trek home. I could do with a little fresh air. Then a bike went past me and I burst into uncontrollable laughter. On the bike was the biggest woman I'd ever seen. Naaaaaaa! Big ain't the word; Humongous! The woman was ...Yokozuna na lepa compared to this woman. This kinda woman shouldn't be taking bikes. What she needs is a car, a donkey, a truck pusher or she should just trek to burn all the fat. Each cheek of her buttocks dangled on the sides of the bike. What was she sitting with? Her...her...gosh! The sight was all wrong. The bike moaned and groaned as it laboured to get the woman to her destination. I prayed the tires didn't bur ...and the tires burst!

"Madam!", the bike man screamed.

"Wetin be madam? Wetin I do?", the woman screamed back at the man.

"Madam, oya come down. Tire don spoil".

She did as he asked, then asked that the bike man gave her her balance from the money she had paid so she could take another bike home (assuming another bike man stupidly agreed to carry her). Haha! The man screamed, rapping in stronget hausa it got my head spinning. Even some of the English words like 'fat' and 'scatter' that he chipped in here and there were coated with a strong hausa accent. He ended it all with "...no change madam!" Ah! She refused to take no for an answer. She hopped...naaaa, the word 'hop' would make it seem like she did it effortlessly. Far from it. She painstakingly climbed back on the bike while the bike man struggled to stop his bike from falling and scattering. It would have been worse if the woman fell on it.

"Aboki, give me my change o", she demanded.

"No change madam! Your money haf pinish".

"Finish ke?! Oya, carry me reach where I dey go...". They went on and on, neither ready to throw in the towel. Well, we the spectators, we were not about to walk away either. I prayed that no mediator would come ruin my fun. I held on tight to my bag to avoid been robbed and made sure no one stood in front of me.

The bike man stood holding his bike with his head bowed. Thinking, I guess. The woman still sat with her hands folded across her chest while we all stood watching and hoping they would reach a decision. Tick...tock...tick...tock ...12 minutes ...15 minutes ...18 minutes ...then he braced himself. I thought he would bring out a sharp dagger, instead he decided to push the woman. Haha! The thought that that was all he could do after so long thinking...haha! Aboki! How wise!

He groaned as he pushed the fat woman. The silly ass woman had the do-whatever-you-want-I'm-not-leaving-my-money-with-you look on her face. We all followed them like a burial procession, expectant. The man stopped for a while to breathe before he continued with the pushing. I was so sure he let off steam through his ass. Wished I could go smell his ass without being seen...that would just be creepy. Lol

We still followed wary of the time or the darkness. We stopped whenever they stopped and moved when they moved. Just as I was about to yawn with boredom, the pusher stumbled on a stone and fell. Some ahhhhed, others ohhhhhed but I laughed as the woman fell 'yakata'! Her dress tore revealing her 'shimi'! (underwear) Wow! Lol. That 'shimi' can make me a long, dirty dress, I thought. Then the fight started. The bike man obviously didn't stand a chance as he got picked up, swirled and thrown into a gutter. Stand up and fight like a man, I screamed in my head but on a closer look, he appeared lifeless. Ha. I backed out of the crowd and realised I didn't know where I was. Worst still, it was pitch dark. I found my way home after almost an hour of nomadic trekking.