NYSC wahala
Let me warn you before you start reading. This is going
to be a really short story!
It was just a year ago that NYSC sent me to Bauchi. In my
little Nsukka town I wondered where that is. Abuja is far. Jos is farther and I
heard that Bauchi is farther than Jos. I sat at Lagos love garden in UNEC for
almost an hour starring at my call up letter wondering what to do.
Mum called and I told her in the tiniest of voices. My
hands shook in fear. Mum being mum reassured me. "Its on earth right? Human
beings live there. I'm sure other people were posted there too". Her exact
words.
With her strength, I resolved to face my fears. I asked
around for anyone else joining me in Bauchi. No one. I must be really special,
I thought.
I didn't know anyone in Bauchi. Camp opens on Monday and
the noble institution that I studied in gave out call up letters Saturday
night. I got home early Sunday morning, packed my things and mum rushed me to
the park.
Mine was not a case of "...darling, take this 50k
for now. I'll send you more next tomorrow..." I had 5k in my bag. If the
bus spoilt on the way, 5k won't suffice to take me to Bauchi. But me
complaining would be mean. I was so sure mum and my younger ones would stay
hungry for a week cos of the 5k I took. I put my brave face on and hoped mum
doesn't see through it and with a lump in my throat that I nearly choked on, I
waved at her as the bus left the park.
It took an hour for my nerves to calm and that was when I
looked around the bus. Haba! We sat five persons per seat. Naaaaaaa! I have to
rephrase that. We sat five persons per BENCH. What served as back rest was the
load between us and the the person sitting behind us. Am I sure I'm in the
right bus? I asked the grandpa beside me where the bus was going and he said
Bauchi. Like this? God help me!
I slept off hoping that when I wake up we would be half
way through the journey. My eyes blinked open three hours later and we were
still at Obollo (Obollo is like 15 mins trek from the park). Wtf???????
Oh! I forget to tell you guys how I dressed. I wore a
sparkling white t-shirt tucked into a sparkling white pair of jeans. I had a
black pull over on the t-shirt and on my feet was a sparkling white pair
sneakers with black sole. I didn't forget my sparking white back pack. I looked
like a curvy King's College student. Don't think white is my favourite colour.
My love for white started when one mumu boy that was pressing my mumu button
carelessly said that white looks good on me. I changed my wardrobe to white. Chai!
I don do mumu things sha...
In a Range Rover, I would look perfect. In this bus, I
was overdressed! I was still analysing my white n white when someone screamed
"My shoe! My shoe!" Hian! "Driver!!! Stop!! My shoe just fell
out!" From where? How does shoe just fall out of a bus? The screamer kept
looking underneath him muttering something that sounds like "Open"
under his breath. Na wa o! Thank God he wasn't seated beside me o. I can't deal
with a mad man's bite right now, I thought. The driver stopped and the screamer
ran out in search of his shoe! It had rained and muddy puddles were left all
over the place. He went puddle to puddle, stirring with his hand! Gosh! Even if
Micheal Korrs and Louis Vuiton made that shoe, I won't do that! *irritatedmuch*
He found it and walked back to the bus dripping mud! I kept wondering how the
shoe fell off and that was when I saw it. Haha. The floor of de bus was nothing
but planks held together with tiny nails. I imagined all the passengers fall
out the bus not through the windows or door but through the bottom. I said a
silent prayer.
And bam!!!!!!! The bus screeched to a halt! E don spoil!
By 4pm. Nobody knew where we were! Not even the driver! Hian! In his defense,
he said he missed his way a long time ago and decided to follow some other
buses who he felt were going to Bauchi! Chineke m oooooo! What if they were
going to India? There was no network! The driver hailed a bike to go to a
neighbouring to get a mechanic. One old passenger held to his trousers
screaming, "No! No! No!" Oga, no wetin? He kept shouting NO! "U
wan leave us go where? Na lie! U no go come back! U wan leave us for here make
bear and lion come chop us? E no go work!"
A peace maker intervened and asked the old man to go with
the driver to make sure he comes back. Old man shout "Lie lie! If e kill
me for road nko?" Some other people volunteered to go with them. Others
refused! Wahala wa o! Finally, nobody went anywhere! We all sat there waiting
for our fairy godmother to breeze in.
So many drivers stopped to help. None worked. 5pm
already! After what seemed like forever, a man who said he's a mechanic arrived
and did God knows what. At 6pm, we continued our journey to Bauchi! Boom!! An
hour after we thought we were victorious, the engine of the bus caught fire!
The driver ran out and headed for the bushes leaving us to struggle with the
door. Ewo!!! A nwuola m o!!!!!!! I think the old passengers realised that fire
was no 'respecter' of age cos they struggled more than we did!
Seeing that the bus hasn't blown up in flames, the driver
crept out of the bushes! There was a heap of sand a million steps from where
the bus was parked. The driver would run to the heap and run back with a
handful of sand that he'll pour on the fire that was fast growing. It was a bad
situation but I couldn't stop laughing. I didn't forget to pull out my bags
before I opened my mouth to laugh. I didn't laugh for long though. All the
other passengers knew where they were going. Within a minute after the fire quietened
down, I was left with the mumu driver and a man that looked like a court clerk.
It was 9:16! I was so scarred!
I learnt that Jos was an hour away from where we were but
I wasn't going to Jos. I called mum to look for somebody in Jos that I can
spend a night with. The driver hailed a bus for me and asked that I should be
stopped at Forest. he explained that once I get to Forest, I would easily get a
taxi or bus to Jos. Don't think that Forest is just a fancy name. It was a
forest! It was so dark. The trees were so thick and so close to each other.
Where are the buses na? Not even a single soul was there. The driver stopped an
asked me to alight. I refused. Alight where? No way! What if I don't get a bus?
After so much plea, I got down. I felt like I was starring in After Earth (a
darker version of it) A taxi finally stopped in front of me after what seemed
like forever and I jumped in without asking where it was going. Anywhere is
better than forest.
It seemed like the other passengers and the driver knew
themselves. Ermmmm...am I sure I didn't just jump into a dungeon! Stories of
how albinos are used for rituals came rushing into my head. I started saying my
rosary (Rosary wey I never say for 5years now) I increased the intensity of my
prayer when the driver kept turning to look at my head. The passengers joined
him too. They would assess my head and say something in hausa. My heart raced!
I said 20 decades of the rosary within 5 minutes. I counted with my fingers and
my toes. I shook so hard. The driver suddenly stopped beside a group of young
guys who sat around a fire. I guess my time is up. I imagined them roasting me
in the fire. The driver came down and walked around to where I sat. He said
something in hausa and they all laughed. I interpreted it as "food has
arrived"
Well, this food was not ready to be eaten. Just as he
opened my door and put his hand to drag me out ( I guess), I dashed out, jumped
over the fire and headed for the bushes.
I ran so fast screaming HELP. Who exactly was I calling in
this bush for help? Reptiles or what? Then I saw a movement in the bush! Ewo! I
ran back to where I came from. With humans, I get to say my last prayer before
they kill me. With animals, no time for that.
As I emerged from the bush, they were all so confused.
They asked what the matter was. I begged them not to cut my head. That I'm just
a corper posted to Bauchi. I offered them the 5k and my bag. They laughed and
told me to enter the car that they will take me to where I'm going. I got in
and the and the driver asked me to relax. That all he wanted was to arrange the
glass behind me that was almost falling out. Oh! Was that all they were looking
at?
A friend called and asked that I stop at NTA. That she
would be there waiting for me. I told the taxi man which he did. As I got down,
I tried calling her, all her lines were switched off. Hian. Not by 1am na! I
was the only one on the street! The cold no be here. I sat on my bag and waited
for the worst. I cursed NYSC for putting me through the stress. Ahhhhhhh! As I
was about going to ask NTA gate man to allow me spend the night at his cubicle,
my friend came out. I was too tired to smile or exchange pleasantries. I looked
like a pig too. She told me that she was staying with some guy, a church member
and when he opened the door, I screamed....
....to be continued
Omg...oyibo dat was hilarious...can't stop laughin and naw everyone here is lukin at my head nd assessin it...nyc one..chioma aguocha
ReplyDeleteLyk err1 ere finks I'm runng mad cos I'm jes staring @ my fone laffing so hard. Gosh!! Can't remeber d last tym I read smetin as hillarious as ds! Fingers polished and crossed waiting 4 d concluding part............
ReplyDeleteLol..everytime u dey run! Nice 1
ReplyDeleteOmg! Uncle Stephen commented! Yayyyyyy!!!! Well, Usian bolt can't beat me! Expect me in the next olympics
Deletehahahahahahahahaha o ave die o "My shoe! My shoe!" Hian! "Driver!!! Stop!! My shoe just fell out!" From where?
ReplyDeleteand Forest too...(just like idiroko shey) abeg abeg pinky...my belle o...LWKMD
Hahahaa! Pinky abeg free me o!
ReplyDeleteGood piece. Very creative writing. Weldone.
ReplyDeleteLwkmd! The shoe part! That was the clincher! Lol! Pinky, so for your mind na, dem for see money if dem pluck your head commot from shoulder?! Well done! You be'a let's have the rest of it sooner than 30 days time, if not I'll ...I'll ...to be continued! ChukaM
ReplyDeleteI plan to continue mine tomao! Please make sure urs is continued too! Lool!
DeleteLwkmd... Very well written and hilarious. Well done dear
ReplyDeleteNice piece u v dere but err r u nt d last child? Where d younger ones frm come???...interesting and hillarious...deje o!
ReplyDeleteIn my father's house on earth, there are many boys n girls!
DeleteLol
Awesome write up darl, ur imagination is spell binding. I'd love to meet u in person, ur personality as potrayed by ur write ups is postivly engaging. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteWe would dear! Don't have ur number. Would have called you.
DeleteNice one. Very entertaining. Forwardedto my bbm contacts and some r asking hw to subscribe to ur page.
ReplyDeleteHilariously Hilarious! LMAO!!! I can imagine ur fears shaa.....like when I was in Yobe for NYSC too! Every1 around me was jus a BH suspect! Lol.. Ehen...so....why u scream na?? I hate suspense!!! #xandywailingUncontrollably!
ReplyDelete=))º°˚˚˚нaĦa˚˚˚°º=))=))º°˚˚˚нaĦa˚˚˚°º ,I can't stop laughing!!!! Nice write up please finish the story ooooooooo... Am waiting ℓ☺ℓ
ReplyDeleteAmazing read. Scanned through the exaggerated short piece least expecting you to be a raconteur. Well, it did explicate the apt definition of you being an adroit writer. Keep up the good scribbles. And thanks to Ada (Obijiaku) for the referral link to your blog.
ReplyDeleteLol pinky u no go kill me opportunity!! Abel more more! Rp
ReplyDeleteLol pinky u no go kill me opportunity!! Abel more more! Rp
ReplyDeletePinky! I don laugh enter the Bermuda Triangle of Higi Haga. Abeg don't keep us waiting for too long for part 2. Keep it up dear.
ReplyDeletePinky! I don laugh enter the Bermuda triangle of Higi Haga. Dint keep us waiting for d concluding part. Keep it up, Slim Shady
ReplyDeleteCreative and funny! *thumbs up
ReplyDeleteLmao, ds story made my day. It was so funny. Good way 2 begin d month, can't wait 4 d part 2. Love U pinky
ReplyDeletethanks y'all. the second part would be posted soon.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful!! I'd give my two hands to be able to write like this. Wow!!! Can't wait for the next.
ReplyDeleteI read this in a car and was laughing at the phone. Am sure other passengers would have wondered what amused me so much. But I must give it to you, thumbs up dear. Waiting batedly for part 2.
ReplyDeleteReally nice!Breathtaking and omg it was well written. Nice one Pinky can't wait for part2 pls make it qucik!
ReplyDeletePinky! Abeg free M̶̲̅ε̲̣̣̣̥ jor,laugh wan kill M̶̲̅ε̲̣̣̣̥ 4 hia,can't remember last time I read dis kind story.I keep M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ fingers crossed nd polished 4 d continuation.
ReplyDeleteHilarious!!!you go girl. I hail your narrative prowess. Very few of ur breed of writers these days. Keep it up Pinky. AQ
ReplyDeleteWaoo... Powerful!
ReplyDeleteWaoo... Powerful!
ReplyDeleteFunny girl ...wow... U̶̲̥̅̊ Ǥööϑ to go b a writer...
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahhaha
ReplyDeleteThis is your friendly, neighbourhood tormentor / trouble maker from a building at bar beach. Nice post. Love it.
ReplyDeleteOut of sight is out of mind, abi?
Ish!!! Mtchewwwwwwww!
You are just a born story teller
ReplyDeleteThank you dear
DeletePlease complete this story. You know how to hold me spell bound
ReplyDeletePlease complete this story. You know how to hold me spell bound
ReplyDeletePlease complete this story. You know how to hold me spell bound
ReplyDeleteLol! It's complete now! Here's the link
Deletehttp://www.pinkysdiaries.blogspot.com/2013/08/nysc-wahala-contd.html?m=1