Saturdays!!!!!!!! Whew!!!!

It’s amazing how waking up on Saturdays ruin the whole day for me. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I want to die now or any other time. It’s just that going to work while others that I worked with during the week are all sleeping is not fun no matter how ‘no fun’ you are. I don’t want to! Wish I could sleep on a Friday night and wake up on a Sunday. Whew! No matter how much I complain, Saturday has come to stay.

Today was no exception. I woke up with venom. I sighed, hissed, cursed my lovely boss for nothing, put my face in my pillow to block out the dawn…add whatever else you think I should have done. This isn’t life. I sluggishly and grudgingly stood up from my very inviting boyfriend that beckoned on me with its beautiful sheet, brushed my teeth, took my bath, dressed up of course and left. Even my every Saturday farming back in the days does not measure up to this.

Life in Lag is just hard. Without a car and a heavy pocket, don’t even think about it. No bikes! No cash for taxi! Nothing for me o! It’s only in Nigerian movies that a handsome man with a beautiful ugly jeep would stop to pick up a girl, take her to wherever she’s going and still give her a pack of 1k notes. I need that miracle right now. I don’t care about the car or the physique of the driver. Just carry me to VI. But just like all Saturdays, no miracle for me.

I trekked and trekked just to get to the bus stop. The sun was blazing hot. I could count two extra freckles. If I do this for one year, I’ll become a dark skinned girl. By the time I got to the office, I was soaked. It didn’t rain. I was only soaked by my sweat and other people’s from their well placed armpits. Thankfully, I had an extra shirt in my bag. I put it on and the real work for the day started. For 11hrs, I was glued to my system and by 8pm, I headed home. Was I glad!

I boarded a bus and fortunately, I was the first to board it so I had the upper hand to soak other people’s shoulders with my armpit. The thought of it made me smile like a wicked witch but my smile was cut short.

WHAT IS THIS?!!!! A bus? No it can’t be! As it moved, it shook everything and everyone in it vigorously like leaves during the harmattan.  I thought I will throw up my intestines. That train, which only moves on children’s day just to move children around, came to mind. The only thing missing was the loud horn. The noise that came with the shaky bus abi na train….gosh! Added to it, the bus was slow. An old man with a walking stick can overtake us comfortably.

Just when I thought that the shaky bus was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, a BRT bus from Jahknowswhere knocked us off the road. Worst still, it missed my elbow by seconds. I screamed. My jaw dropped. Everybody spoke at once. Yoruba was reigning. ‘were nie’ was used rampantly at very strategic points. I go see the one wey senior Gody today. Don’t ask me what that means! I dunno. It just sounds like it best describes my predicament

Whoever wrote the tenses and thought that worst was the right place to stop should better go back and rewrite it cos the “worster’’ thing happened. The driver jumped down the bus and ran after the BRT. I laughed out loud. When he realised that he’s not Jack Bauer, he ran back to the bus and drove so fast after the glorified danfo driver. The bus that was a snail before suddenly became the magic school bus. It didn’t speak though. All the passengers kept screaming. The driver screamed curses at will. Ha! He parked right in the BRT lane blocking every other bus. We all jumped down so fast before the BRT man decides to crush our bones.

The danfo man jumped out and jumped inside the BRT bus. Whatever was going on, I didn’t see. Who cares? All I thought of was how to get home. Passengers went to inspect the bus like they were mechanics and loss adjusters. Then one woman said,”Ah! And this is a new bus!” I laughed uncontrollably. The serious look on her face made me laugh harder. She must be Basket mouth’s wife. New what? This bus or was she looking at another? Hahahaha! I guess when it gets old by her standards, the driver, conductor and passengers will have to carry the scattered car parts on their heads and trek to their destination.

Ehen! Back to my driver. When they thought that inside the BRT wasn’t enough arena, they both ran out with the danfo man leading. They tore off their clothes and hopped around like kangaroos. The BRT driver was size advantaged. The danfo driver was voice advantaged and just with one blow, he fell flat and didn’t move. Whether he died abi he just fainted, I didn’t stay to find out. I jumped into another bus and headed home. No be me and police this night.

When I got to my street, it was 11:32pm. How I climbed the street gate would be a story for another day.